17 7 / 2014
Today I lost the kindest, most caring, gentle man I’ve ever known. He was the kind of man I will always aspire to be.
I love you, Grandpa.
15 7 / 2014
I hate this waiting game. Waiting for that awful call telling you the most awful thing. It’s just coming too soon.
At least I got to see him one last time.
14 7 / 2014
I drove up to Cleveland thinking I was in for a boring weekend. After all of the things I’ve been struggling with; moving to New York soon, three grandparents incredibly ill, familial issues… I needed away. Not to say that I thought I would be bored, but I thought it was going to be a laid back, no plans kind of weekend.
Boy was I wrong.
The first night we didn’t do an awful lot. We grabbed dinner and truthfully I can’t remember much of it. The next day, my friend Alli was supposed to be going to work, along with both of her roommates. I would have been stuck alone, so I went out shopping. Alli kept trying to convince me to do my online class at the library, but I’m not a library person. Never have been, no matter who drags me there. So I went shopping in hopes of finding a cute pair of swim trunks that I could wear to the beach later that day.
Making my way to the mall, I carefully navigated to the only stores that sell clothes that fit my not so scrawny butt anymore. I actually found the exact pair that I wanted, in my size. Last pair in the entire store. After that, I got a little lost, and made my way to the beach. I ended up changing, and then walking over to meet Alli and Eric, only to realize Eric was standing in front of a table with a bunch of stuff on it. All of the sudden my friends Grace and Eric popped out from behind the table. They’d drive from Pittsburg just to come see me for my birthday. What? No one does that for me. I was pretty much in shock at that point.
I look at the table to find an Aladdin tablecloth, cups, Sailor Moon cups, two boxes of pizza, hugs (those incredibly sugary colored drinks in plastic barrels), candy, and gushers and fruit roll ups, chips, mountain dew, fruit by the foot, and just about every 90’s themed food you could possibly imagine. Alli had thrown me this elaborate 90’s themed beach party, and I’m just standing there in awe. She didn’t go to work. The whole thing was a giant lie to get me out of the house. More and more of my friends started showing up, and by the end of the day, almost every single one of my friends were gathered on that beach.
We stayed at the beach all day, as the weather was perfect. I got some time to finally talk with some of my friends and just open up. I’ve gotta say I have never felt so loved.
We got back to the house only to find more surprises planned. Cupcakes and ice cream from my favorite places in Cleveland. Pop rock martinis. There were mojitos and adult lemonade, and literally everything you could possibly imagine. It was… Perfect.
Today was nice. Didn’t do a lot. Got brunch with Grace and Eric before they left, went to the Science Center, got Noodle Cat. Had some tasty burgers for dinner. Cavan, the sweetheart, got me alcoholic ginger beer. My absolute favorite thing on the planet. We sat down to watch the Lego Movie, and just as I was getting bored and letting myself drift off a bit there was a knock at the door. No one said anything, and Cavan ran to answer. I just assumed something was getting dropped off or I don’t know. I look over and who else is standing in the door but Julie.
It took about everything I had in me not to cry. After everything yesterday, Julie showing up was the cherry on top. She drove five hours to see me. FIVE HOURS. And she has to drive back tomorrow. This birthday… It’s not even my birthday yet. But man, I’m so lucky. I’m so lucky that I have people in my life who love me like they do. That’s real love right there. Everyone who loves me was here minus the few who were too far away to make it.
To all my wonderful friends and loved ones who were in on this, thank you. You’ve done something for me that I can never describe. I love you all so much, and this will forever be the greatest birthday of my life.
13 7 / 2014
11 7 / 2014
Off to Cleveland for the birthday weekend. Here’s to hoping it is everything my last trip was not.
10 7 / 2014
Well, wasn’t this quite the week for self discovery…
I made it through a rough anniversary, which I’m so thankful to have gotten through.
I’ve gained almost 10 pounds since leaving college… In muscle. Who would’ve thought? Not that it’s incredibly apparent. Looking back, it’s a little scary how thin I was there. I looked sick. I was, sick in the heart, and sick in other ways. But I’m healthy and getting stronger by the day.
The biggest news this week is that I finally realized what I want to do with my life. I’ve been trying to figure this out since I can remember. Things kept getting in the way of it, and I never could quite figure out where I fit. Well, today I know. I feel really confident in this. Sure, it’s going to take a ton of work. More work than I have ever taken on, but I know I can do it. As long as I have a little support, I’ll make it to the stars. This nomad might just find himself a home. Doesn’t necessarily mean NYC. Nor anywhere in particular. But I’m feeling incredible. I miss someone. I miss them more than I can stand sometimes. But I somehow still feel… Larger than life.
I think getting back into the real world is what I’ve needed all along. I just kind of wish it didn’t mean losing something I cared about so deeply.
Watch and you’ll see, someday I’m gonna find a way and I’m going to live my dreams and more. It’s been a profoundly moving week, and I’m trying to keep moving forward. I think it’s time for a new adventure. I’m tired of all this baggage. I’m tired of rules. I’m tired of hurt and pain and all that crap I’ve let run my life for so long. I’m going to go be somebody. I’m going to go be happy, and find love, and friends, and new dreams to chase. I’ve got a few already. Time to take that first step.
08 7 / 2014
You show up in my dreams sometimes
Both of you
The gentle, innocent doe
And the vicious, cruel monster
Though never at the same time.
You often said
Your heart was stone,
I thought I’d broken it
With my gentle petals.
There was nothing there to break
In the first place,
Just an empty cave
Where a heart was meant to be
And a love was meant to grow.
I’d give you mine for a while,
So I wouldn’t feel the pain
And in turn
You could feel the warmth
I hide so deep within.
05 7 / 2014
You’re prettier than you think
You catch glimpses of it in the mirror on rare occasions
The whiskers that are hiding deep within your soft face show up when you give them time
You’re almost a man now
Even though when you get hurt you may feel like a little boy
Time and time again
You wait for a miracle that finally comes
But it isn’t what it seems to be
You’ll learn the best things come through work
And there are risks you must take to make things better
But it’s worth it
If someone loves you
They’ll stick around
But just because they say they do
Doesn’t mean it’s true
Words are tricky like this
You’re too trusting
You believe everything you hear
But often neglect what’s being spoken through actions
You’re smarter than you think
With more in you ready to overflow
Than the world is ready for
Take a deep breath
The past hurts
It leaves creases in your brow
And scars in your chest
Over your heart
Where one day
The hair will grow to hide the wounds
It’s not going to be long before
You realize the change is complete
And you’ll look in the mirror
And not recognize the man
Who stands in front of you
You’re better than all of this
You deserve more than what you’ve been given
And you will never let yourself
Return to this place again
It’ll be but a distant memory
The next time you read this
A dream you forgot
Just like all the others
That were so unimportant
But so extraordinary to you.
Take care, my dear. You’re going to be okay one day.
05 7 / 2014
I think what I fear most is not being wanted. And that gets confirmed all too often. Even by the ones who say they love me most. And I don’t know how to change that.